Texting Ranson demands with Jafa cousins in 2005

From: Moonflower231  (Original Message)

Sent: 5/08/2005 5:48 p.m.

Dearest Whanau, Have you ever had the experience of negotiating with terri ist and kidnappers by text..........I have and it's hilarious,  if what happened between Joey and myself is anything to go by.  Mind you we're both a bit on the "la la land" side so what would you expect. Daughter Terri recently returned from a fortnights holiday with Jafa cousins.  Her stay was only supposed to be for a week, but was elongated by her being "kidnapped and held for ransom"  The story unfolds as so: A lightening fast trip to Auckland was had by her and I, with just enough time for a long chat, catch up gossip session and a quick trip up the Sky Tower.  I left my Babe in the capable hands (or so I thought) of sister Joey and her large, noisy, loving family.  After a week or so went by, this self confessed sook of a mother text her sister and asked what was going on.  This is the conversation that took place.......by text: (all done in our text language just for fun) R:  Jst finshd watchn NZ Idol thort I c howzit goin.  Wot u guys done wit my babe? She dont wanna come home yet  she bin kidnapt or sumfing. J:  We watchn dat 2.  She tied up n gagd.  We hold her 4 ransom.  We want 2 pkts bikkies & a capacino. R:  No probs wit da bikkies as long as dey not da chokky ones.  Not sure bout da capcino.  Earl grey tea any good? J:  No deal.  Chokky bikkies & blak coffee.  Last offa or we keep her 4 good. R:  Ok..Ok..deal!  Cat not amusd wit all da beepn Getn filfy looks n daddy say we pay anyfing...da big sook.  Me I wuda bargind sum more. J:  Am willin 2 bargn but I 2 am bin frownd at. R:  OK den we leave it 4 now 2 B cont at l8r date. J:  My fart gun loaded lokd & loadd I not afraid 2 use it. R:  I gotta stop lafn I puttn Gerald off watchn TV n da cat lookn at me funny. J:  OK I stop now Bye.                                                 The next night: J:  R U willn 2 reopen negotiations 4 her release? We have a change in our demands. R:  Yep, bring it on.  My blckmail oops demands changd 2. J:  OK we want Maori fishn rites back, return of da 4shre fingy, an end to world poverty $15 fish n chips & a 2litre coke R:  Wot? Where I gonna get da money 4 da fish n chipsetc. Da rest is a pisa cake. J:  Oh yea dat wot I 4got da cake.  Dubl choc wif frostn & runny leggs burga hld da slald R:  Hang on a mo.  Dese demands gettn outta hand.  4shre n all dat OK but all dis food stuff not on.  Iffn my babe dont come home soon I keep all Alizes fotos! J:  Oops sumfin else I 4got.  Agree 2 1st demands 4get da burga & she cum home wif clean clothes & b4 da end of 2010 R:  Time out.  Gotta fink bout dis.  Means I got 2 do da dishes.  Get bak 2 U soon J:  Got 2 talk 2 udda terri ists reconsida demands. R:  I bak.  How dis - 4shre, fishn rites n fotos n u send her back dis wkend dirty clothes n all. J:  OK since I such a gr8 negoti8or I ask da hostage R:  OK I suppose she gotta have some say May B able 2 twist a coupla arms n fro in da fish n chips. J:  Na iz kool.  Will use it 4 leverage nxt time.  Bubbet cum up on Fridy, send Terri bk wif her.  She got fart gun 2 R:  Tell her she cn leave dat bhind.  Do she kno how 2 use summat like dat.  Me a pacafist.  I dont fight .......clean J:  Dat gun not clean get lot of use.  Run in da family R: Afta all dat is she gonna come bak wen Bubbt come bak? J: Fink so - kinda got cort up wif da fish n chip R: Das good den.  I wanna B home wen she come home n not B at wrk.   That was most of the conversation. Joey also wanted some other things I get through Staff Sales at work and I was to get in touch with Bubbit, her sister in law, so she could come and collect the ransom.  There were other "inane conversations" as that above concerning flying home, landing, being caught with a huge, big as fishing net, boogey boards and fart guns, confiscation by other Maori and not customs,  negotiations with the Queen for the "4shr fingy" and the like. I haven't had so much fun for a long while.  The ransom was duly paid and the said daughter returned by the terri ists unharmed.  Well almost.............................she's come home with some really funny habits she didn't have before she embarked on her vacation to Jafa Land.   I have more if any one is interested.  My "coded message" to the terri ists".  A message back form Chief Mischief maker & Krkd Unty".  All in the name of fun.   Cheers Whanau Lotsalove Rona